I’ve been having some trouble with the person who delivers my Sunday paper, so I decided to write the Dispatch to let them know:

Every Sunday morning at my apartment it’s the same thing. I’m jolted awake around 6:30, 6:40 by what sounds to be someone forcing their way in via the front door. Except now I know better. The sound I’m hearing isn’t a ski-masked marauder, it’s the Sunday paper being thrown as hard as it possibly can against my storm door by the Paper Delivery Person (PDP).

This morning, June 24, was no different. I am instantly roused from sleep by the loud bang, thus ensuring I’ll not be able to fall back asleep; thus ruining any chance of me relaxing and sleeping in. The only difference is, this time when I open the door to retrieve the paper, I notice a nice big crack running from upper right-hand corner to the lower left in one of my storm door’s windowpanes. I will gladly provide you with a picture of said pane if you are of the new “pic-or-it-didn’t-happen” school of thought.

Please remind/inform the PDP that they are not Nolan Ryan. They are not Satchel Paige. They are not Charles Nagy. They are not going to the 2012 Summer Olympics for “newspaper shot put,” and thus should not treat the Sunday edition of the newspaper as a fastball or a shot.

Also inform them that this is not a real-life version of the game Paperboy™. And if this is a real-life version of Paperboy™, I will cancel my subscription if this happens even just once more, assuredly ruining their chances at a high score.

Plus, I bet they always wreck at the bonus obstacle course at the end of each level.

Amateurs. Anybody who’s anybody can make it through the obstacle course no sweat.